Johnny "Good Timing" McCain, Part Two

Call us naive, but we figured McCain’s uncanny knack for saying the wrong thing at the worst possible time could only rear itself once an election cycle. To be honest, we didn’t even think it was possible for McCain to outdue himself after the whole “fundamentals of economy are strong”/simultaneous market implosion fiasco.

But, gosh, […]

Congress Dooms Bailout Plan, Ushers In Global Apocalypse

In case you were wondering if the elected representatives of American Democracy care about you, the answer is no they do not. Not even a little.

After finally getting someone–anyone–to pay attention to them for more than one minute (believe me, it wasn’t easy), the savvy problem-solvers in the House showed their gratitude by doing everything […]

Breaking News: McCain Agrees To Look Old, Out-Of-Touch In Debate

McCain has reluctantly agreed to tear himself away from not solving the financial crisis to go ahead as scheduled with Friday night’s debate against charismatic nuisance Barack Obama.

Although McCain previously said he would not debate until an agreement was reached on the administration’s $700 billion bailout proposal, he not surprisingly changed his mind. But this […]

McCain Returns To Washington Just In Time To Ruin Everything

Everything was going smoothly. Democrats and Republicans managed to cast aside their partisan differences long enough to craft a $700 billion dollar bailout plan to rescue the country from certain economic ruin. After hours of intense debate and scrutiny, lawmakers were finally on the verge of a breakthrough.

Disaster, it seemed, would be avoided.

But then in […]

McCain Uses Economic Crisis To Avoid Embarrassing Himself In Live Presidential Debate

Despite pleas from Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid begging McCain not to cancel Friday’s presidential debate in order to return to Washington to try and “fix” the economic crisis he himself helped create, McCain remained steadfast in his attempt to avoid facing Barack Obama in a live debate.

That McCain, always putting country first!

Of course it […]

Say It Ain't So, Joe!

Please Joe, stop. We’re begging you. We understand you’re upset about the fact that no one cares about you ever since that Alaskan hussy came and stole all your thunder. We’re pissed too. But that is no excuse to go act like a total idiot.

Need we remind you who your presidential running mate is? Perhaps […]

Security Expert Sarah Palin's Email Easier To Penetrate Than Daughter Bristol

Tough gal Sarah Palin may be able to “field dress” a moose (whatever the hell that means) but when it comes to simple email security, America’s favorite frontierswoman appears to be in over her head.

Last week, a computer hacker was able to break into Sarah Palin’s seemingly impenetrable Yahoo! e-mail account and expose documents showing […]

Mac Or PC? McCain Prefers His Abacus

Did you know that some of America’s most prominent politicians also happen to be responsible for some of the greatest technological achievements of the century? It’s true!

I’m sure you remember when Al Gore first blessed us with the Internet. But, did you know that John McCain invented the Blackberry!? Remarkable! What an inspiration it is […]

He’s Baaaaack!!

After months of leading rival John McCain in almost every national poll, Barack Obama seemed to be cruising into the White House, his victory all but assured. But then the unthinkable happened.

John McCain came back from the dead.

Unlike Jesus before him, McCain’s resurrection did not come from God or within (well, actually the God part […]

Blue-Collar Johnny Strikes Again!

I am glad to see that John McCain has his priorities straight. Instead of jetting off to hobnob with the stars at some elitist Hollywood fundraiser, (like that other presidential candidate), good ol’ blue-collar Johnny was busy speaking to the real folks at a rally in Vienna, Ohio.

McCain, who was sharply criticized by Barack […]