Governors Gone Wild

Governor Hall of Shame

Get a hold of yourselves, governors! Is this any way for a state leader to act? Remember, you were elected to represent your states, not humiliate them by acting like a circus sideshow routine. At this rate, America is in serious jeopardy of having its vaunted political system turn into one bad afterschool special on Lifetime. And it’s all thanks to these esteemed members o America’s Governor Hall of Shame!

First, we have our most recent inductee, South Carolina governor Mark Sanford, whose innocent hiking trip on the Appalachian Trail took him 4,797 miles away into the tanned arms of his Latina lover in Buenos Aires. If only he hadn’t turned down Obama’s stimulus package! Then maybe he could’ve afforded a new map.

Next we have dear Alaskan princess Sarah Palin, whose experience as governor is rivaled only by her skill in picking fights with whoever she can about nothing at all. Not done taking out that sick pedophile David Letterman for his late night assault on her precious, not-impregnated daughter Willow, Mama Bear Sarah Palin has turned her fangs on another despicable spewer of hate, Linda Kellen Biegel, a blogger who goes by the name Celtic Diva.

You see Miss Diva thinks it’s hilarious to photoshop an image of conservative Alaskan radio host Eddie Burke onto a photo of conservative Alaskan governor Sarah Palin cradling son Trig, not to suggest an overly close relationship between Miss Palin and Mr. Burke, but because she hates special-needs children. Especially Alaskan special-needs babies with funny names. They make her sick!

Which brings us to the Big Apple. Soon after New York’s perfect gentleman of a governor Eliot Spitzer aka “Client #9” admitted to enjoying a few romps with a high-class prostitute using state funds, his legally blind replacement Lt. Gov. David Paterson assured the fine citizens of NY not to worry, because his days of messing around on his wife and snorting lines in dingy motels are over. I mean he hasn’t even touched marijuana since the late ’70s! The guy’s a real class act, overshadowed only by the coif of our next esteemed governor’s shiny, dark mane.

Hot-Rod Blagojevich: The Man, The Mystery, the Hair! Not to be outdone by his fellow gubernatorial gems, this one-time leader of Illinois has secured his own rightful place in the history books of humiliation. Not content just selling Barack Obama’s bleepin’ golden senate seat to the highest bidder or running the state like a crazed, lego-haired crime boss, Blago’s bizarre trip to shameful obscurity included a whirlwind media tour where he compared himself to Gandhi, got noogied by Joy Behar and the gals on the View, and proclaimed his freakin’ innocence to whoever was listening. Just to show what a stand-up kind of criminal guy he is, he also gave us Roland Burris, free of charge! Thanks Blago!

So who will be next to grace the hallowed halls of America’s fallen political leaders? And what will they do to get there? Current odds are 3-to-1 on secessionist leader Rick Perry of Texas for eloping with a Mexican immigrant he accidentally knocked up while building a border fence designed to prevent this type of thing from happening. Oh the irony!

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