Houston We Have a Problem: Annise Parker to be First Openly Gay Mayor in City History

Holy flaming cannoli! After stinging defeats in Maine and that godless cesspool New York, it seemed those feisty gays would be condemned to eternally wander, cold and alone, with nary a constitutional protection to call their own.

But then like a beautiful rainbow after the storm, a glimmer of light broke through the dark menacing clouds, and there, deep in the Red-blooded heart of Texas, history was made.

Much like its fellow unlikely Defender of Queer, Iowa, America’s fourth-largest city, Houston, figured why the hell not join the progress party and elect their very own gay to public office. For fun!

Despite the double edged-sword of being both a woman and a sinful lesbian in a state not known to be particularly fond of either, City controller Annise Parker handily defeated her Democratic challenger, former city attorney Gene Locke, 53 percent to 47 percent, to claim victory as the first openly gay (and second openly female) mayor in Houston’s history.

Other cities such as Providence, Rhode Island, and Portland, Oregon, have picked openly gay mayors, but they don’t really count since neither state has ever prided themselves on being a bunch of homophobic racists hellbent on seceding from the God-awful Union of sin called America. Turns out, ignorance, bigotry and deep-seated aversion to change does bring with it certain advantages.

Like making it extra special when the very city that just a few years ago rejected offering benefits to same-sex partners of city workers, in a state that already banned gay marriage, suddenly votes to elect a member of this dreaded species into power as its fabulous new mayor.

“There’s a certain segment of Houston, there’s a certain segment of society that has problems with the issues around sexual orientation,” 53-year-old Annise Parker said. “But the citizens of Houston have elected me six consecutive times to public office. They know me, they trust me.”

“Houston is a multiracial, multicultural, international city. And I think my election will send a message to the world that Houston is a city that might surprise a lot of folks.”

“Tonight the voters of Houston have opened the door to history,” Parker said, standing by her partner of 19 years, Kathy Hubbard, and their three adopted children. “I acknowledge that. I embrace that. I know what this win means to many of us who never thought we could achieve high office.”

“I have always stood up for the fact that I am gay. It’s part of the resume that I bring to the table, but it’s just a piece of the package,” she said.

The real problem isn’t the fact that this proud Texan’s a Democrat, woman, or even a gay. But something much, much worse: a Rice alum (gasp!).

Which effectively means the Republic of Texas’ days of being the reliable outpost of backwards-thinking cowboys, confederates, and Jesus freak secessionists we’ve come to know and laugh at, are officially on life support.

Guess Grandma isn’t the only one who needs to be worried about plug-pulling death squads.

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