Why George Bush’s Been Working On His Fastball

Since he loves baseball and doesn’t have much to do these days except bother Laura and tinker with his sweet new presidential memoir on important decisions, former commander-in-chief George W. Bush figures what better way to spend April 6 than throwing out the ceremonial first pitch at the home opener for the coolest, most awesomest team in the world, the Texas Rangers.


George W. Bush is set to make history as the third president to throw out the Rangers’ Opening Day first pitch, a tradition started by Gerald Ford in 1976 and continued by Dubya’s father, George the Elder in 1991. But, unlike the other two, Bush bets his ball actually makes it to the plate without any of that pussy one-hop, two-hop, pathetic dribbling into the catcher’s mitt. It’s just un-American.

Over on the South Side, the Chicago White Sox also extended first pitch honors to their number one fan and current most important person in the world, Barack Obama, if he isn’t too busy “being president” and all.

Something tells me he’ll be there. I don’t know, call it a hunch.

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