Hero Bill Clinton Frees Ladies From Pint-Sized Dungeon Master

Mission Accomplished!

Bill Clinton saves journalism! Okay, well not exactly, but he did save those two American journalists,
Euna Lee and Laura Ling, from 12 years of HARD LABOR in some crazy North Korean prison camp.

In a hush-hush, secret mission to secure the journalists’ release, America sent its best schmoozer William Jefferson Clinton to sweet-talk Kim Jong Il into reconsidering the harsh sentence and issuing a “special pardon” for the jailed reporters. The kind of pardon only a “special” kind of dictator can give.

So, basically a giant Bill Clinton is sent to the bad Korea to chat up its tiny but unhinged leader Kim Jong Il into believing Euna Lee and Laura Ling were not engaging in “hostile acts” as sworn enemies of the state but simply two scared, lost journalists who accidentally wandered in while working for an old pal of his, Al Gore’s hippy-dippy TV channel Current.

Good guy, that Al. You remember Al, don’t you? The boring stiff with no personality who became vice-president, invented the Internets, lost the White House, then saved Mother Earth? Sure, he can be a bit stand-offish but he didn’t mean any harm. Trust me, the guy wouldn’t hurt a fly. No joke. Besides, the journalists were both from San Francisco and you know those kooky Californians!

Anyway, to make a long story short, Slick Willy worked his magic on Kim Jong Il, winning the release of the two young journalists, Euna and Laura, with his wit, charm, and savvy diplomacy like pretending this visit means North Korea is not some dangerous Hermit Kingdom led by a diminutive demon with nuclear aspirations and deteriorating health.

Clinton apologized on behalf of the women (honest mistake!), relayed President Barack Obama‘s deep gratitude, praised their release as proof of North Korea’s “humanitarian and peace-loving policy” (their words) and said the visit would “contribute to deepening the understanding” between North Korea and the United States. Scout’s honor.

And for his troubles, our hero Bill Clinton will have the pleasure of spending the next 5,946 miles or 10 hours and 50 minutes accompanying two, attractive Asian women–giddy with the freedom they owe to the brave, tireless efforts of a certain former president. Who just may have a thing for Asians.

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