When Will The Chosen One Choose The Gays?

After eight loooong years of George W. Bush, those insatiable gays were finally ready for a president who doesn’t believe Hurricane Katrina was God’s way of showing his disapproval of their sinful lifestyle.

So when Barack Obama actually defeated that nice old man from Arizona to become America’s first half-black president in history and the first semi-gay friendly prez in almost a decade, Americas’ queers were overjoyed. Could Obama be the rainbow messiah they’ve been waiting for?

For starters, he wasn’t afraid to say the dreaded three-letter word most candidates find any excuse possible to avoid. He called them by name. He said the word gay (gasp!). At not just when when he had to. But at black churches, in his speech to the decidedly non gay-loving NAACP, and even on election night. In all fairness, he also mentioned that other hedonist group, the atheists, and they’re even worse than the gays!

Yes, Obama seemed a far cry from the country’s straight white presidential past, and so while he worked to stimulate the economy back from the ravaged pit of despair left in Dubya’s wake, figure out exit strategies from not one but two wars, help protect the environment, and reform health care so that uninsured Americans have more options than what color wooden casket they’d like, gays and lesbians sat patiently waiting for him to answer their prayers for equality.

In the meantime, momentum for the gays keeps building–in the courts, in legislatures, in the gay meccas of Iowa and New England. Hell, even freakin’ Dick Cheney suddenly showed a soft spot for the gays, and not just cause daughter Mary is one of ’em but because he cares about justice and equality for every citizen of this great nation. Ha ha I’m just playing, it’s totally because of her, well that, and the fact that he’ll do anything to give Barry a hard time.

So the question remains what’s a gay to do with Barry? Should they hate him for not doing more to overturn “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” or the Defense of Marriage Act? For not waving his magic wand and instantly granting America’s favorite scapegoat of sin the rights they always heard about but never had? Rights that convicted felons enjoy like the freedom to serve in the military or have a quickie wedding in Vegas by a priest who also happens to be Elvis.

Some, like GLBT rabblerouser and big-time Democratic fundraiser Bruce Bastian, think this is a moral battle, and with truth on their side, it’s time to stop being so god damn understanding.

“The President and Congress have really big items on their plate. I’m sure some politicians think, Why can’t the gays be patient? Well, every day that we’re patient we have more gay kids killing themselves. We have more soldiers getting their careers destroyed. We have more religious bigots convincing people to stay in the closet. You can’t get rid of bigotry with legislation, but you certainly can stall it. You can shut it up. Every day that we sit quiet and stay patient, we are losing people.”

In other words, less articulate cogent arguments, more insane ramblings and mind-blowing disregard for reality. Just think of it like a Birther and ask yourself “What Would Orly Taitz Do?”

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