House Republicans' New Bill Offers Variety Of Helpful Hints On Proper (Federally Funded!) Ways To Be Raped

Ah, Republicans. The kind of wonderful, caring, Constitution-loving individuals who know that when life hands you lemons, say, by getting incestuously raped and impregnated by your drunkard father, Jesus wants you to make lemon meringue pie in the form of Sharron Angle’s special, secret homemade recipe for coping with unspeakable tragedy (psst: it’s called insanity!).

But if you can’t handle the heat, get your ass out of the kitchen, as some enlightened Republicans and assorted other spicy fruit flavors of far right teabaggers are so very fond of saying! Legislatively speaking, of course!

Which is simply amazing! Err, unless, you happen to be one of the hapless harlots dumb enough to get raped, incested, or otherwise unwittingly left with a bun in the oven, and would like to maybe get some federal assistance to help pay for the abortion costs.

Haha, sorry sweet tits!

Thanks to House Republicans’ latest legislative push through the congressional chambers to help regulate what women across America ought to be permitted to push through their own feminine chambers, Uncle Sam’s coiffers will (God-willing!) be slammed shut in the very near future.

It is called the “No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act,” and it is a top priority in John Boehner’s newer, brighter, glowing orange House, because it protects your precious federal money from funding wayward sluts who have subjected themselves to rape, lest they be one of the lucky li’l ladies who’ve been “forcibly raped,” which naturally doesn’t include a woman who was drugged or date raped.

Those bitches were soooooo asking for it!

So remember to heed the wise words of the Republican Party. Next time you are raped, just make sure that you have full mental capacities, have not been drugged (look alive, woman!), and please, please make sure the guy is doing it really hard, preferably like a deranged jackhammer hard! Because everyone, or at least House Republicans, know that rape is only really rape if it involves force. And plenty of it!

Other types of rapes that would no longer be covered by the exemption include rapes in which the woman was drugged or given excessive amounts of alcohol, rapes of women with limited mental capacity, and many date rapes. “There are a lot of aspects of rape that are not included,” Laurie Levenson says.
As for the incest exception, the bill would only allow federally funded abortions if the woman is under 18.

Oh yeah, and statutory rape. Like say, if a 13-year-old girl is impregnated by a 24-year-old adult, she would no longer qualify to have Medicaid pay for an abortion, thanks to the diligent efforts of 173 mostly Republican men, fortunate enough to not have the reproductive organs necessary for forced penetration & impregnation, like silly women who are weak and stupid.


“This bill takes us back to a time when just saying ‘no’ wasn’t enough to qualify as rape,” says Steph Sterling, a lawyer and senior adviser to the National Women’s Law Center.

Ah yes, the good old days!

But some like Donna Crane, the policy director of NARAL Pro-Choice America, say that making the “already narrow exceptions for public funding of abortion care for rape and incest survivors even more restrictive is unbelievably cruel and heartless.”

Oooh, Jesus would be so proud!

“This bill goes far beyond current law,” says Democratic Rep. Diana DeGette of Colorado, a co-chair of the congressional pro-choice caucus. “The re-definition of the rape exception is only one element of an extreme bill that pro-abortion rights groups believe would lead to the end of private health insurance coverage for abortion.”

Take that Socialist baby killers!

Of course, if you have any additional suggestions of types of rape that House Republicans can cruelly and wantonly carve out of medical/legal protection next, or are just curious when they are finally going to pass a law granting the rapist full naming and paternal rights over the baby the victim is forced to have, please do not hesitate to let the Republican Study Committee know. They can’t wait to hear from you!

***Disclaimer:*** Women and those under the age of 18 are prohibited from contacting their congressmen without proper supervision by a qualified male, equipped with the adequate testosterone levels and reasoning skills to make informed, intelligent decisions about what a woman should and should not do with her body.

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