Second Is The Best! Latest, Greatest Legal Mind Cites Tea Party In Saving America From The Socialist Tyranny Of Affordable Health Care

Rejoice obese, saturated fat-clogged ‘mericans ridin’ around on socialized Medicare scooters, waving red, white, and blue flags for the freedom to patriotically die and/or go bankrupt trying to pay for li’l Johnny’s bone marrow transplants.

Victory is yours! Errr, kind of.

Thanks to the latest, greatest, most likely racist old white judge in the confederacy land Roger Vinson’s decision to toss his caffeinated bag into the proverbial scalding hot pot and toss Comrade Barry’s socialist death panels out with one fell swoop of his glistening, now gubmint-free gavel.

Just the sort of thing that gives legendary ancient human/turtle hybrid, and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, the false hope (or is it courage?) that, contrary to conventional wisdom, 47 votes is actually equal to 60, and thus enough to repeal President Obama’s no-good health care reform to help poor people and young kids not needlessly die so insurance companies can get even more filthy rich, by a final tally of 51 decent human beings (aka Democrats) to 47 heartless bastards (better known as Republicans).


Naturally, nobody in their right mind expected this blustery bit of faux-outraged Republican-led repeal hysteria to actually pass into law or anything. Ha ha, as if! These are Republicans remember? Their entire existence consists of proposing terrible, dead-end legislation no one wants, with no realistic chance of ever passing, so long as it remains true to their #1 stated objective: doing the exact opposite of what Obama says or wants, regardless of what that is, in the desperate hopes it will wipe the insufferable smirk off his hideously charming, dangerously electable face.

What do you want them to do? Spend precious time and effort creating actual jobs for the American people? Hahaha, those lazy bums? Eww, gross. Heaven forbid!

Tell ’em to try lifting themselves up by their own damn bootstraps for a change instead of waiting for someone who maybe gives a shit about them (psst: certainly not a Republican!) to do something about it. Or they could always just pray to Jesus and Jesus’ li’l bro Ronny Reagan to please maybe start trickling down some good fortune upon them from high above.

Sure, nothing compares to the first exhilarating time some wingnut federal judge in Virginia declared health care reform unconstitutional, but it’s still enough to make you feel all tingly and warm inside, right?

Not to mention, while that wimpy Virginia judge only stuck down part of President Obama’s signature health care legislation, the newest, bright shining legal mind to emerge from the murky blend of caffeinated herbs and ignorance, Judge Roger Vinson of Federal District Court in Pensacola, Florida, went the Full Monty, declaring the entire bill unconstitutional and thus void in these United States of No Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act-merica.

“Because the individual mandate is unconstitutional and not severable, the entire Act must be declared void.”

Yay! This judge wins at denying people access to health care until the new greatest legal mind ever to grace Fox News is born on this dear planet.

At a time when there is virtually unanimous agreement that health care reform is needed in this country, it is hard to invalidate and strike down a statute titled “The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.”

But, alas, in the end, he had to. And now he’s famous, biatches!

Let freedom ring, even if it does sound suspiciously like a suffering child’s untreated whooping cough.

Nothing a good old-fashioned pipin’ hot mug o’ tea couldn’t solve!

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