If There’s Anything Joe Biden Knows, It’s That They Don’t Call Him Dick For Nothing

America’s most famous Dick crawled out from his dank shelter 50ft beneath the Earth’s surface, braving both air and sunlight, to grace the simple, unsuspecting carbon-based life forms above with dire warnings and apocalyptic visions about his favorite subjects: war and terror.

And also to celebrate his other crowning achievement while in office, the two-year anniversary of that glorious Feb 11 day when he “accidentally” shot his best friend Harry Whittington in the face during a quail hunting expedition. A best friend who should have known better than to let his dumb face get in the way of Dick Cheney’s spraying bullets. The fool!

No, no, this time, the master of creepy, sneering subterranean creatures of the night didn’t emerge from the rich soil just to toot his own quail and people hunting gangsta VP horn.

Not when this country is in the middle of a war. A war, which the current Obama administration seems to not have the faintest idea how to handle, but is trying to steal all the credit for anyway. No one, I said, NO ONE, takes credit from Dick when it comes to duping the public into invading oil-rich countries for shits and giggles. And certainly not any dithering, pussy commander-in-chief who actually takes time to think about what they’re doing before squandering trillions of dollars and thousands of American lives to capture bin Laden, destroy al Qaeda, get oil oust a mustached menace named Saddam, spark a civil war, and turn Iraq into the new terrorist hot spot.

Which is why Dick had absolutely no choice but come above ground to go on national teevee to repeat his two most favoritest words in the whole wide world: “dead” and “wrong.”

Blasting the Obama administration’s “passive, pre-9/11 mindset” for putting the country at risk, big Dick Cheney took aim at current vice president Joe Biden’s recent statement on Sunday’s Meet the Press, that another attack on the scale of 9/11 is “unlikely.”

You see, poor Joe Biden made the terrible mistake of saying that Cheney–who simply doesn’t much care for softy Obama’s refusal to torture and unlawfully detain suspects in secret Cuban prisons–is “trying to rewrite history” and is “either misinformed or is misinforming” about what policies have been most effective in combating terrorists.

“The worry is legitimate,” Biden said. “The reason why I do not think it’s likely because of all the resources we have put on this, considerably more than the last administration, to see that it will not happen.”

You mean waging two-front wars and administering blindfold, upside down luxury drownings to anyone who even slightly seems Muslim-y doesn’t make us safer??

Well one dick doesn’t like all that pre-9/11 defeatist talk. That naiveté may be fine and dandy in peacetime, but this is war, people!

“I think, in fact, the situation with respect to Al Qaeda, to say, you know, that was big attack we had on 9/11 but it’s not likely again – I just think that’s just dead wrong.” Cheney said.

“I think the biggest strategic threat the United States faces today is the possibility of another 9/11 with a nuclear weapon or a biological agent of some kind. And I think Al Qaeda is out there – even as we meet – trying to figure out how to do that,” Cheney added, crossing his fingers in the hopes that maybe, just maybe his doomsday vision comes to bloody fruition.

He also doesn’t much appreciate NObama and Co. trying to steal his war thunder. Iraq is his war, you hear?? HIS WAR, damn it!!

Scoffing at Biden’s absurd comments that Iraq may end up being one of the Obama administration’s greatest success, Cheney laughed, eh more like cackled, “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by my friend Joe Biden.” And by friend, he of course means qualifies as the next recipient of some nice buckshot to the face.

“I’m glad he now believes Iraq is a success,” Cheney said. “For them to try and take credit for what has happened in Iraq strikes me as a little strange…So if they are going to take credit for [Iraq’s success] – fair enough – for what they’ve done while they’re there – but it ought to go with a healthy dose of ‘thank you George Bush’ up front. And a recognition that some of their early recommendations with respect to prosecuting that war were just dead wrong.”

“I believe very deeply in the proposition that what we did in Iraq was the right thing to do,” Cheney said. “We got rid of one of the worst dictators of the 20th century.”

Sure as hell we did! After that no WMD desert debacle, the only Bush we’d let anywhere near the White House is the one decorating the South Lawn.

But, yeah, that Saddam guy was kind of a dick too…

Not like Cheney dick, but hey, what did you expect, I mean the guy’s only human after all.

Saddam, that is.

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