Rand Paul's Headstomping Supporter Demands Apology For Some Scary Activist Lady's Head Falling Under His Innocent Shoe

Oh no-zees! Another day, another weird, disturbing scandal involving some new Teabagging nutjob or another using disproportionate force to stomp on activist ladies’ heads, illegally arrest no-good journalists who dare ask so much as a single question, or dabble in witchcraft to wipe out the sinful scourge of self-pleasure across this great land.

This time the lucky winner is Kentucky’s own Colonel of Crazy, Rand Paul, whose loyal band of Southern fried Aqua Buddha fascist freaks heroically prevented a very scary petite lady all of 5′ from brutally attacking Sir Rand with a piece of paper before a debate against hippie-dippie, civil rights supportin’ Democratic senate opponent Jack Conway, by bravely surrounding the woman, throwing her on the ground, on stomping on her no-good awful, terrible head. For freedom, of course!


According to the Louisville Courier Journal, “Lauren Valle of approached Paul and tried to give him an “employee of the month award” from Republicorp…a fake business MoveOn created to symbolize what it says is the merger of the GOP and business interests controlling political speech.”

Well there you have it! The woman was positively begging to have her head stomped, walking around with a wig and a sheet of poster board like some deranged menace to society, thirsting for the blood of everyone’s favoritest freedom-fighting patriot & uncertified Ophthalmologist running for Senate.

Preferably by a burly 250 lb man named Tim Profitt (like, seriously??) who’s also Rand Paul’s “Bourbon County Coordinator” and personal bodyguard against scary poster-wielding MoveOn ladies.

“I was concerned about Rand’s safety,” Profitt said. “A friend of mine went up to three policeman before Rand got there, and told them about the girl who was standing there with that wig on and that she was getting ready to do something. The policemen looked at him and said that’s not our job.”

Ummmm, hellooooooo??

That, my friends, is a job for Rand Paul supporters who know stomping on people’s heads is What Jesus Would Have Done if he saw a girl in a wig standing still looking like she might be getting ready to do something (like maybe say some meany comment?) to His sweet, sweet Senate candidate and favoritest teabagging racist from Kentucky, too!

But now that the lamestream liberal media has gone and made a big whoopdedoo about nothing, Tim Profitt feels just terrible about smashing his foot on some 23-year-old girl’s head and neck, is “sorry that it came to that” and apologizes “if it appeared overly forceful.”

What?? Don’t be silly! It’s common knowledge that a foot to the head is actually the customary way Kentucky gentleman greet their lady friends at these sort of get-togethers. The li’l ladies down South simply go craaaaazy when their chivalrous, patriotic, strapping men folk violently slam them on the ground and square dance on their face as testament to their undying love and affection (of the WWF?).

Sometimes they even “get served with a criminal summons ordering him to appear before a Fayette County District Court Judge” just to see each other again, if only for a fleeting moment to lock eyes and laugh about the li’l “love” tussle over Mint Juleps, a variety bucket of the Colonel’s Classic, and how many hard-earned bucks it takes to beat up a woman and send her to the hospital with a concussion and sprains.

But, in his defense, Profitt did say that the camera angle made the incident appear worse than it really was.

Not to mention, certainly didn’t do any favors to a certain someone’s waistline either!

But as is the traditional Southern way, when you, a full grown man stomps on a person’s head, it should really be that person apologizing to you for their big dumb skull getting in the way of your innocent rubber sole.

After all, you didn’t see Dick Cheney apologizing for shooting that one guy in the face, did you? Why, you most certainly did not! That’s for pussies with hearts, not monsters with mechanized pump machines, you mortal fools!

Just ask Tim! “I would like for her to apologize to me to be honest with you,” he said.

Well, we would like you to be honest with us, Tim!

Go on?

“She’s a professional at what she does,” he added, “and I think when all the facts come out, I think people will see that she was the one that initiated the whole thing.”

Awww, hells yeah! Just like the last floozy dumb enough to run her mouth off to the wrong mister Profitt. Or the other hapless bitch he simply had no choice but to date-rape before her.

Either way, he has a very good reason why he had to body slam this girl on the ground to assault her.

Profitt also blamed the incident on his back pain. Footage shows that Profitt stomped down on Lauren Valle’s head, neck and shoulder while she was being restrained by another man with her shoulder on the street and her head on the curb.

Oh, the poor, poor lady-beating fellow! Lord knows how hard it is for Teabaggers to actually heave their obese, Double Down saturated bodies off their motorized Socialist scooters so they can pin young librul ladies down against the ground and make it a fair fight.

Any ‘bagger worth their weight in tea ‘n testosterone knows that individual responsibility means that when someone stomps on your head, you take responsibility for it.

This makes perfect sense. Nobody question his explanation, because Liberty. Got it?

Meanwhile, Rand Paul’s campaign called the altercation “incredibly unfortunate” and expressed relief that the woman was not injured, in that she’s still breathing and is not paralyzed from the neck down, wheelchair bound for the rest of her life.

That’s sweet of them. Those kind words from Rand Paul’s other Gestapo workers will heal whatever head, neck and shoulder wounds she has. Plus, maybe if we’re really blessed, Sharron Angle will whip up one of her famous Lemon meringue/incestuous rape victims squares, Ayn Rand will come back from the dead to say an Objectivist prayer for her, and Christine O’Donnell can invoke one of her world-renowned get well soon spells, specially reserved for liberal victims of Libertarian head stompers.

Because the path to taking our country back (to the Stone Age?) is paved with blood, sweat, tears, and of course, the bashed heads of battered women.

Profitt & Paul: Teabaggers In Paradise

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