The GOP’s Suicide Mission Does Not Include Colin Powell

In case you didn’t get the memo, former Secretary of State Colin Powell is still a proud member of the Grand Old Party. But there are some people who just don’t think Mr. Powell is Republican enough.

Never mind his 20-year record voting solidly with Republican candidates or serving as the first African-American chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and secretary of State under genuinely elephant president George W. Bush. Forget his lifelong commitment to party ideals, his position on the Republican Party’s membership committee, or his dedicated military service as a four-star general in the United States Army. Colin Powell is nothing more than a Barry-loving arugula-eating socialist masquerading as a true patriot of the Republican Party!

True patriots like Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney who want highly-decorated frauds like Colin Powell out of their precious party. Frauds who call themselves Republican but then turn around and vote for a liberal demonchild like Barack Hussein Obama. Frauds who think the Republican Party should include more than bloated heart attack victims who hunt ducks, quails, and their best friends. Or pill-popping, prog rock-named radio hosts whose BMI is the only thing more out of control than their insane, hate-filled rants about how feminism is just some made up bullsh*t to make ugly chicks feel better about themselves.

The last thing the Republican Party wants or needs is a bunch of non-white moderates who think with their brains and live in reality to control the direction of their dear party. They’d prefer to keep it real and purge everyone but gun-crazy secessionists, gay-bashing closet cases, and Alaskan ice fairies whose idea of diplomacy consists of lipstick jokes, sexy winks, and refusin’ to end sentences with the letter g.

Even a GOP savior like former House Speaker Newt Gingrich knows the Republican party can’t exclude everyone and still expect to survive. “To be a national party, you have to have a big enough tent that you inevitably have fights inside the tent.”

Or just a tent big enough for Dick and Rush’s massive bodies and the handful of true Republicans still left to squeeze inside and celebrate their heroic two-man rescue of the Grand Old Party.

Then they’ll break out the bubbly, but first they just need a quick sec to figure out where the hell everyone went.

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