War, What Is It Good For? Absolutely Everything!


Since two protracted bloody wars weren’t quite enough for America™, the mighty red, white, and blue figured why the hell not launch a third awesome military (mis)adventure into hostile foreign territory to help save hundreds of thousands of suffering Libyans delicious barrels of oil, and uphold our nation’s commitment to restoring peace and stability back to gas stations the world over.


Whaddya think, the country that produced Charlie Sheen was just gonna sit back eating Twinkies and having mental breakdowns live via webcam while the rest of the world got their awesome war on? Ha ha, we’re winners, here remember?

A coalition including the United States, France, Britain, Canada and Italy has begun launching strikes on Libya designed to cripple air defenses, as the West tries to force Col. Muammar Gaddafi from power.

The move is the first direct U.S. involvement in the international operation mobilizing to stop Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi’s attacks on opposition strongholds and enforce a U.N.-backed no-fly zone.

Some 25 coalition ships, including three U.S. submarines armed with Tomahawk missiles stationed in the Mediterraneant will take part in the operation, called “Odyssey Dawn,” that will mainly target air defenses around the Libyan cities of Tripoli and Misrata.

A defiant Gadhafi said Libya will fight back against undeserved “naked aggression,” likely with his preferred kind of “naked aggression,” in the form of highly trained half-naked Amazonian femme fatales sporting string bikinis and slinging semi-automatics.

“All you people of the Islamic nations and Africa, and Latin America and Asia, stand with the Libyan people in its fight against this aggression,” Gadhafi declared, presumably unaware that the roguishly handsome man he was addressing was really his own reflection in the mirror, not his fellow countrymen showing their solidarity by dressing like their favoritest mentally ill madman in a muumuu.

In a letter addressed to Obama and read to reporters by a government spokesman in Tripoli, Gadhafi said, “I have all the Libyan people with me and I’m prepared to die. And they are prepared to die for me. Men, women and even children.”

Hell, he’d even tell you to go ask ’em yourself, but unfortunately their tongues have all been cut out. Oops, a real doozy!

Guess you’ll just have to take his word for it.

“What we are doing is necessary, it is legal and it is right,” Prime Minister David Cameron said. “I believe we should not stand aside while this dictator murders his own people.”

Our oil reserves depend on it, God damn it!

“The use of force is not our first choice,” President Barack Obama echoed from Brasilia, Brazil. “It is not a choice I make lightly. But we cannot stand idly by when a tyrant tells his own people that there will be no mercy.”

Unless that tyrant happens to be terrorizing some worthless, poor oil-less country in sub-Saharan Africa like Sudan or whatever. Then, by all means, we’ll gladly stand idly by watching American idol instead!

But in Libya’s case, Obama just couldn’t resist plunging into war, and not just any war, but a cute sexy little half war that is new, hot, fun, exciting, looks great in stars ‘n stripes, and unlike our last fling, doesn’t involve any long term commitment like endless occupation, repeated attempts to stabilize a shattered psyche, or even having to find a new collection of leaders to prop up shower her with enough flowers and chocolates to keep her happy and satisfied (and out of our hair) for the next oh, couple of decades or so.

Forget wining and dining, we’re talking, wham bam thank you ma’am!

But lucky for us, Donald Trump is more than qualified for the delicate matters of love and war.

From Fox and Friends:

I think I probably have more experience of anybody [in the GOP field] — whether I sell them real estate for tremendous amounts of money. I mean, I’ve dealt with everybody. And by the way, I can tell you something else. I dealt with Gaddafi. I rented him a piece of land. He paid me more for one night than the land was worth for two years, and then I didn’t let him use the land. That’s what we should be doing. I don’t want to use the word ‘screwed’, but I screwed him.

That’s what we should be doing.

See? If Donald Trump were our president, and we were his clients, he’d at least have the decency to pimp us like prostitutes before totally screwing us.

The way a real President is supposed to. Instead of wasting all his time screwing some dumb broad, Libby or Libya or whatever.

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