As If The Cordoba House Wasn't Enough, Now The Muslims Are Coming After The Paul House Too!

Ooooh, are America’s favorite “Dr. R. Pauls” (as in Ron the elder and Rand the dumber) in the middle of a heated Muslim ‘n mosque-fueled fight??

But how could Rand’s deliciously red, Christian apple fall so far from father’s tree? Surely, Jesus did not die for our sins only to see his favoritest wingnut duo o’ docs disintegrate into a halal ‘n hijab haze of father-son feud!

But which awesome Doctor Paul thinks those pesky Muslims should take their dang mosque and go back to Arabia, or wherever it is that A-rabs come from, and which one thinks the Cordoba House/Ground Zero Mosque controversy is “all about hate and Islamaphobia?” Hmmm, let’s see, which one is trying to win a Senate seat in chicken-‘n-freak-fried Kentucky?

Like any decent, true Republican trying to win a Senate race in the original land of Colonel Sanders secret spice and heart attacks in the form of bacon and cheese smothered between two fried chicken fillets, Dr. Rand Paul doesn’t much care for those swarthy Muslimy types always tryin’ to build stuff here in the Whites Only land of America.

“While this is a local matter that should be decided by the people of New York, Dr. Paul does not support a mosque being built two blocks from Ground Zero,” Paul spokesperson Gary Howard said. “In Dr. Paul’s opinion, the Muslim community would better serve the healing process by making a donation to the memorial fund for the victims of September 11th.”

Eh, or just pulling a Heavens’ Gate and collectively offing themselves in a mass effort to reach salvation aboard the Hale-Bopp comet to heaven. Either one really.

But noooooooo! Papa Ron just couldn’t leave well enough alone, could he? No, Papa had to come along like some tree-hugging, arugula-eating liberal Muslim loving hippie, and insist the outcry is nothing more than bigoted, GOP-fueled anti-Muslim hysteria for political purposes.

“The outcry over the building of the mosque, near ground zero, implies that Islam alone was responsible for the 9/11 attacks. According to those who are condemning the building of the mosque, the nineteen suicide terrorists on 9/11 spoke for all Muslims,” Ron wrote in a statement on RonPaul.com “This is like blaming all Christians for the wars of aggression and occupation because some Christians supported the neo-conservative’s aggressive wars.”

“It is repeatedly said that 64% of the people, after listening to the political demagogues, don’t want the mosque to be built. What would we do if 75% of the people insist that no more Catholic churches be built in New York City? The point being is that majorities can become oppressors of minority rights as well as individual dictators. Statistics of support is irrelevant when it comes to the purpose of government in a free society–protecting liberty.”

Well, well look who is suddenly all about protectin’ freedom of gross Muslims now. Whatever is young Rand supposed to do? Certainly, siding with the terrible Islams (in enlightened Kentucky of all places) is out of the question, world-famous libertarian doctor daddies or not.

Sorry to disappoint ya, Pops, but he’ll stick with whole hatin’ an entire community instead. Kentuckians just looooooooove that kind of stuff. In fact they eat that shit up all day long, so long as it’s before their daily dose of KFC’s famous Double Down!

“I think reconciliation is best promoted by — instead of having a multi-million dollar mosque — maybe having a multi-million dollar donation to the memorial site, would be better for all,” a semi-coherent Rand Paul said.

Or maybe even a multimillion dollar donation to his campaign (memorial site), since Ron and America’s son, Rand, has had some trouble getting the Jesus freaks, Klansmen, and assorted other illiterate misfits who helped him win the primary to continue supporting him through the general election. Mainly, cause they’re bunch of dumb rednecks with no money for anything anyway ‘cept maybe the state’s namesake variety bucket and a 40 oz or two at the local mini mart.

“Since Paul won the general election, he’s had trouble keeping up the enthusiasm from his online activist base and tea party members. In a Facebook friend drive earlier this month, Paul’s campaign aimed to get 100,000 people to sign up for his Web page — but fell about 40,000 people short,” Politico reports.

Maybe cause he scares the bejeebus out of everyone, or at least anyone with actual money, like the greedy, media-controlling Jews and elitists always screwing things up for nice young people who hate blacks, browns, and anyone else not beautiful snow white like lovely Sir Rand over here.

“The fact that so much attention has been given the mosque debate, raises the question of just why and driven by whom?” the older, wiser Ron Paul writes:

In my opinion it has come from the neo-conservatives who demand continual war in the Middle East and Central Asia and are compelled to constantly justify it. They never miss a chance to use hatred toward Muslims to rally support for the ill conceived preventative wars. A select quote from soldiers from in Afghanistan and Iraq expressing concern over the mosque is pure propaganda and an affront to their bravery and sacrifice.

And the problem with that is? Sounds like Grand Ol’ Politics as usual to me!

Desperate times (and/or desperate people) call for desperate measures.

Clearly, what Rand Paul needs to do now is tell the Teabaggers (and the rest of the neo-Nazis, skinheads, and birthers who support him) that the dirty ragheads are not only trying to build terrorist temples on the still-smoldering remains of patriotic, white power Christian Americans, but are also secretly building mosques in their large intestines, and the only sure-fire way to stop ’em is by immediately sending all their cash and money (eh, screw it, and gold jewelry, too!) to:

Dr. Rand Paul
National Board of Ophthalmology (aka a UPS Store in Bowling Green, Kentucky)
911 Muslim-Free Road
Bumblef**k, Confederacy, 91101

Doctor’s orders!