Fun Facts: Special Literal Edition!

Ooooh, everybody loves fun facts! Literally. Everybody.

Did you know?

  • Beautiful blue-eyed bombshell Michele Bachmann is literally Nostradamus (with ovaries!) because she correctly predicted that Barack Obama is literally Hitler or at the very least, any one of the other notoriously evil monsters of humanity over the last oh, two centuries or so.
  • And also Obama is literally a King or Emperor or any other type of ruler, preferably despotic, because he regulates bank and helps poor people not die—the two all-time favoritest pastimes of all tyrants of humanity since the dawn of civilization when Adam and Eve were tricked by the evil serpent, likely one of Obama’s forefathers, to taste the forbidden apple and kicked out of Eden. Forever.
  • President Obama literally wants to be Sarah Palin because he too sports a sexy black leather jacket when goin’ rogue on secret missions to Afghanistan to yell at corrupt leaders of fledgling countries and wow the crowds with his charming smile, some well-placed winks, and mastery of the English language. All without even looking at the palm of his hand! Ugh, show off!
  • Anyone who predicted Joe Biden would at some point in the very near future say or do something outrageously stupid to embarrass himself, the president, or anyone with the ability to blush in shameful humiliation, is literally a genius. So, congratulations, Einsteins, you have unearthed the very purpose Joe Biden’s whole existence! Awww, don’t be modest, it’s a big f*cking deal!
  • Big pimpin’, phat ‘n fresh RNC Chairman Michael Steele is bringing sexy back to the GOP–and not just in the form of one-armed midgets and Stephen Baldwin! Word is the Steele man is trying to get the hip hop Party of Youth back to its old school Republican roots by droppin’ scrilla (dollar dollar bills y’all!) at hoity toity S&M sex clubs featuring bondage and women slaves in dog collars doing lesbiany things to each other. Family values are literally HOTTTTTTT!!! Freedom’s the sh*t, for reals, yo!

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