New Alabama Governor Wants To Know Who's Your Daddy? (Hint: If It Doesn't Rhyme With Reese's, You're A Bastard No One Loves!)

Governor-elect of everyone’s favorite backwater blemish on the nation Alabama (where else?) Robert Bentley decided to honor Martin Luther King Jr. Day by giving a speech at the very Dexter Avenue King Memorial Baptist Church where the late civil rights leader Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. was once pastor himself!

Oooh, how beautiful! How historic! How totally un-Alabama like!

It started out promising enough, too, with Bentley saying all the right things to make a person feel all warm ‘n cuddly (and not even about-to-be-strung-up-in-a-tree) inside.

Bentley began by telling the crowd it was important for Alabamians ”that we love and care for each other.”

”You know, (for) a lot of people, it’s hard to trust a Republican governor,” Bentley said. ”Let me tell you. I want to tell you today that I promise you that I’m going to do everything I can for everybody in this state.”

“I was elected as a Republican candidate. But once I became governor … I became the governor of all the people. I intend to live up to that. I am color blind.”

Ah yes, but does that include Crimson, good sir??

Hmm, go on?

“There may be some people here today who do not have living within them the Holy Spirit,” Bentley said.

Umm, guilty as charged?

”But if you have been adopted in God’s family like I have, and like you have if you’re a Christian and if you’re saved, and the Holy Spirit lives within you just like the Holy Spirit lives within me, then you know what that makes? It makes you and me brothers. And it makes you and me brother and sister.”

Hooray! One big happy (inbred) family! Yay, my ‘Bama bros ‘n hos! Haha, jk Jesus, don’t worry!

But then things got slightly strange, even by freaky Southern fried Alabama standards.

”Now I will have to say that, if we don’t have the same daddy, we’re not brothers and sisters. So anybody here today who has not accepted Jesus Christ as their savior, I’m telling you, you’re not my brother and you’re not my sister, and I want to be your brother.”

Wait, but I thought everyone in Alabama was already brother and sister!

Um, OK! But still, the speech was totally all about brotherhood and unity. The brotherhood of white knights in white robes and white hoods on horseback, and the unity of everyone forcibly converting to Christianity, I guess!

Asked later if he meant to be insulting to people of other faiths, Bentley replied, ”We’re not trying to insult anybody.”

Well, except Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Atheists, & all other Godless heretics condemned to burn in raging hellfire for all eternity.

So, umm go Bentley!?

The Rolls Royce of racist redneck gubnors from piss-poor, ass backwards, red-headed stepchild states no one pays attention to until it goes and does something weird and racist and well, all Alabama-ey.

Roll Tide, y’all!

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