Republicans Unveil Pledge To Rid America Of Silly Solutions, Gross Diversity, And Deviant Liberal Equality

Like any other decent white patriot worth their weight in teabags and KFC Double Downs, you too probably spent your weekend basking in the sweet (segregated) glory of the GOP’s new Pledge to America, the biggest, brightest, most gamechangingest idea yet to get that no-good Blacky NObama out of the White House and back where he belongs, naked, in Kenya, dancing wildly around a bonfire with the rest of his heathen Luo Tribesman brethren.

It’s true! Now all of America can finally see the amazing, wonderful things that are possible when the nation is once again ruined run by a bunch of dumb white men (and one oddly glowing tangerine one) whose collective vision for the country is…well, err, they don’t have any real vision per se, just a bunch of colored fonts (no, not colored people silly!) and various meaningless failed slogans recycled from decades past, all rolled into one spectacular solution-and-minority-free PDF for a better, brighter, purer lobbyist and corporate run America. Like the good, ol’ days when labor was cheap, cotton was plentiful, and the black man knew his rightful place in the fields, right under Women, Jews, Yellows, Injuns, and other undesirable 3/5ths specimens sullying this great, vast Jeebus-blessed White Christian land of America. Hooray!

Of course, even the Grand Old Patriots behind this bold new (abstinence?) Pledge to (Rich, White) America don’t really know what the hell is actually in the darn thing, ‘cept for some pretty pictures and easy-to-pronounce, one-syllable English words renowned scholar Sarah Palin didn’t yet vomit up and call a Tweet.

But that doesn’t matter anyway, since, as House Minority Leader and resident Oompa Loompa John Boehner explained to Fox News’ Chris Wallace, “its purpose is only to lay out the size of the problem, rather than to get to potential solutions.”

WALLACE: Congressman Boehner, as Willie Sutton said about banks, entitlements are where the money is. More than 40% of the budget. Yet, I’ve looked through this pledge and there is not one single proposal to cut social security, medicare, medicaid.
BOEHNER: Chris, we make it clear in there that we’re going to lay out a plan to work toward a balanced budget and deal with the entitlement crisis. Chris, it’s time for us as Americans to have an adult conversation with each other about the serious challenges our country faces. And we can’t have that serious conversation until we lay out the size of the problem. Once Americans understand how big the problem is, then we can begin to talk about potential solutions.

Ah spoken like a true Boehner! Ooooh, I love it when big, hard members (of Congress you pervs!) whisper sweet, sexy nothings about laying out the size of big problems? Hotttttt!

WALLACE: Forgive me, sir, isn’t the right time to have the adult conversation now before the election when you have this document? Why not make a single proposal to cut social security, medicare and medicaid?
BOEHNER: Chris, this is what happens here in Washington. When you start down that path, you just invite all kind of problems. I know. I’ve been there. I think we need to do this in a more systemic way and have this conversation first. Let’s not get to the potential solutions. Let’s make sure Americans understand how big the problem is. Then we can talk about possible solutions and then work ourselves into those solutions that are doable.

Hopefully, almost as doable as a certain au naturel creamsicle colored heartthrob John Boehner accused of boehning the hell out of one of the bazillion oil, pharmaceutical, and insurance company lobbyists actually responsible for penning the GOP’s 21-page blueprint to get the country back on its delicious oil-soaked, Earth destroyin’, terrorist torturin’, Mexican huntin’, gay bashin’, poor hatin’ track, instead of the usual proverbially f**king them for campaign cash.

While tenable policies or actual solutions in the GOP’s Pledge to America may be impossible to find, what is clear is the Party’s commitment to making the nation as beautifully homogeneous and pure snow white (with a hint of orange) as possible. An irresistible melting pot of 100% pure buttercream, like our founders intended!

“Of the 42 photos with people in them, in only two are there African-Americans — and they’re tiny specks in a much larger group, barely visible. There are maybe two identifiable people of Asian descent and no one who might be considered Latino. Basically almost all whites in the Pledge, hundreds of them, with barely any noticeable minorities. Most telling is the large auditorium featured on page 12 — a crowd of maybe 300 and only if you look hard toward the back do you see someone who might be African American.”

Hahahaha, and to think some people actually say the Republicans are a bunch of hateful bigots with a serious race problem who don’t care about anyone not white, Christian, and blessed with beautiful, manly testosterone coursing through their strictly heterosexual (non-masturbatory) veins.

Quite the opposite in fact! Why, they loooooove minorities so much, they even rent ’em to fill up the extra spaces at their conventions. And you thought they only rented male escorts at! Puh-lease!

Besides, if the Republicans weren’t all about diversity and inclusion, would they really let Boehner keep his glorious shade of orange? No, they most certainly would not! They would toss his colored ass in the closet with the rest of the totally NOT Gay Old Patriots already sardine packed in there, protecting our nation from the scourge of homosexuality by keeping the terrible gays out of the military and in various airport men’s rooms, roadside bath houses, Values Voters conventions, and Teabagger rallies where they belong are easily accessible.

So listen up, people, when speaking Republican, remember the golden rule (and don’t add any unnecessary letters): Racism isn’t just Good, it is God!

Three cheers for Republicans!! Take our Country Back!

All the way back to 1954.

God Bless America & let Freedumb ring!

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