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Chris Christie Fears Americans Are Turning Into Couch Potatoes, Which He Will Then Deep Fry & Stuff Down His Throat

When not gobbling down Jersey Mike’s subs or helicoptering his hefty load from his Grand Canyon-sized couch to the nearest corrupt, corporate-sponsored, rich person’s bitchfest, New Jersey Gov. of Mass Chris Christie took a moment to warn the good people of AmeriCANT what happens when Uncle Sam meets La-Z-Boy. Other than a bunch of […]

Justice Antonin Scalia Is Turning Elena Kagan Into A Hunter & Hopefully Into The Next Mounted Trophy On His Wall

NOOOOOOOOO! NO, Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan! Do not, I repeat, DO NOT go hunting with Antonin Scalia.  Do not exchange the black robe for a camouflage vest. Do not lace up your hiking boots or sharpen your bowie knife.  Do not load your double-barreled shotgun. And whatever you do, DO NOT get in unmarked, […]

Ann Romney Knows There's Nothing Stiff About Mitt, At Least From The Waist Down

Oh Ann. When not driving around in a “couple’a Cadillacs” or saying oblivious, tone-deaf rich lady things to the American people, like how she doesn’t “feel rich” (or anything, really), Mittens’ delightful, faux impoverished wife enjoys ruffling a few feathers, so long as they’re the finest down, exceedingly rare, and prohibitively expensive to anyone not […]

Turns Out Obama's Health Care Plan Does Include A Death Panel & It's Called The Supreme Court

While black teens in hoodies were being murdered for the terrible crime of WWBIGC (Walking While Black In Gated Communities), the nine Supremely irritating muumuus on the nation’s High Court were chomping at the bit for some reason, any reason, to do away with that no-good Obama and his awful, un-American desire to have a […]

Newt Gingrich Knows The Real Tragedy In Trayvon Martin's Murder Is That A Black Man Is President

While Fox News America was busy mourning the death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin by blaming the usual suspects like hooded sweatshirts and bags of skittles, instead of say, racist, heavily-armed, self-appointed, white supremacist neighborhood watchmen with nothing better to do than hunt down and kill black teenagers for sport, other people like President Barack Obama […]

High School Losercal: If You Looked Like Rick Santorum In High School, You'd Probably Hate The World Too

Oh so that explains it.

Here’s Rick, err make that “Rooster” Santorum back when he was manager of his high school baseball team, presumably so he could smack hot, sweaty asses and shout “hit the showers” after every game.

And by the looks of it, the dude got even less pussy than we already suspected. Which pretty […]

Billionaire Everyman Mitt Romney Strangely Morphs Into A Poor, Southern Gent When Speaking To Crowd In Mississippi

Poor Mittens Romney. It’s trying to act like a human being, but it just doesn’t know how. Hell, the more it tries to act like an actual carbon-based, oxygen breathing entity, not futuristic cyborg Terminator Mormonator sent to terrorize humanity, the more we are all convinced it is in fact just a newer, more advanced, […]

How Do I Love Thee America, Let Mitt Count The Ways...

You Know Who Else Mitt Loves? That Guy! (Oh Wait, That’s A Mirror!)

Willard “Mitt” Romney is a lover of many things. Many, many generic things. He loves air, for instance. The way it effortlessly swirls around from place to place, filling up empty space without ever being noticed. The delicate way it fills your chest, […]

Rick Santorum AKA Pope Pius XIII Wants To Vomit All Over America Because Of JFK

Insane person and Slick Rick Santorum is once again all hot ‘n bothered, but this time it isn’t even because of hoity-toity elitist college educations, horny teenagers grinding their privates against one another like sweaty savages, the legally sanctioned Holocaust of the unborn, or secret Muslim terrorist presidents who don’t believe America is locked […]

Rick Santorum Has Intimate Knowledge Of Satan; Coincidentally, It's Also The Only Thing He's Intimate With

I’m sure by now you’ve probably heard some vague rumblings about the mysterious substance surging through the nation, oozing its frothy, God-fearing, Santorum-y essence across the vast, toxic, anal sex-ridden, pagan and homosexual wasteland that is OBAMA’S United States.

But just who is this frumpy Jesus freak in a sweater vest spreading the gooey missionary (style) […]