So there you have it, America. The moment you’ve been waiting for, the day that Willard “Mitt” Romney finally picked his running mate, the next (non)vice-president of the United States, Rep. Paul Ryan of the great state of Wisconsin.
Hooray!
But just who is this nice young man from down the street who looks like a Boy Scout but votes like a crazy person ever since coming to office in 1999?
Well for one thing, he hates deficits. Almost as much as he hates women, gays, poors, olds, and anything else that doesn’t smell like white bread and money.
In fact, since 1999, the National Right To Life Committee has scored his voting record 100%. He co-sponsored the Sanctity of Human Life Act, which defines fertilized eggs as human beings, and opposes abortion even in cases of rape or incest, or the woman’s life is endangered.
Not surprisingly, his 1,500 word pro-life essay doesn’t once mention the word “mother” or “woman,” and we can only assume that to him a vagina is like a unicorn; he’s heard of it, but never actually seen one, unless you count Georgia O’Keeffe’s famous flower blossoms.
Naturally, the man who once called a woman’s right to choose an “amoral exercise of arbitrary will” has no problem taking sides in the war on women.
“I’m as pro-life as a person gets,” he toldThe Weekly Standard in 2010. “You’re not going to have a truce.”
Oooh, did I mention charming, too!?
But that’s not it. This blue-eyed budget Nazi has so kindly offered to fix our finances, mostly through a combination of privatizing anything and everything, raising taxes on those making over $50,000 a year, cutting taxes for those making over $200,000 a year, presenting Mittens ‘n Co. a get-out-of-paying-taxes-for-life card golden ticket, ending Obamacare, Medicare, the word ‘care’ altogether, and last but not least, sending granny and gramps out to sea on ice floes with nothing but Atlas Shrugged to keep them warm at night.
After all, Paul Ryan’s idol is none other than Ayn Rand, a sociopath who much like our new baby-faced prepster GOP VP, believes that selfishness is a virtue and altruism is a sin, and anyone who gives to charity is a sucker.
He even credits Rand with inspiring him to enter politics, presumably to laugh at other people’s misery:
[T]he reason I got involved in public service, by and large, if I had to credit one thinker…it would be Ayn Rand.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what?? Ayn Rand? C’mon Ryan, you know better than that! Women can’t think for themselves!
Otherwise, who knows what awful, dangerous things might happen?
An embryo has no rights. Rights do not pertain to a potential, only to an actual being. A child cannot acquire any rights until it is born. The living take precedence over the not-yet-living (or the unborn).
Abortion is a moral right-which should be left to the sole discretion of the woman involved; morally, nothing other than her wish in the matter is to be considered. Who can conceivably have the right to dictate to her what disposition she is to make of the functions of her own body?
Ryan Shrugged.
Then he faced the crowd, saying, “The bad news is that President Obama is the president of the United States, and the good news is that on November the 6th he won’t be any longer.”
The bad news is that we’ll never in a million years know what would actually happen if Romney or Ryan were ever to be elected. The good news is that because of this, in a million years, America might actually still be around.
Poor Mittens. He tries so hard! In his latest, greatest, desperate attempt to appear human, Willard Mitt Romney decided to share a precious li’l gem from his childhood, a deliciously tasty nugget about his family’s care-free life of privilege and wealth:
“I found a little paper card, a little pink card, and it said, ‘This entitles George W. Romney to a lifetime of a hamburger, a shake and French fries at McDonald’s.’ It was signed by the hand of Ray Kroc. My dad had done a little training lesson or whatever for McDonald’s when there was just a handful of restaurants and I saw this thing and was like, this is a gold mine, dad! What are you doing?”
Romney said he laminated the card for his father, who he said went “almost every day” to McDonald’s for either a hamburger or a fish sandwich.
Or whatever other greasy, meat ‘n bun thingamajig you people love ordering thru windows from your cars.
The point is the poors have food stamps. The rich have their food stamps laminated.
“He would present this little card and of course the person behind the counter would look and say, ‘Well, what is that?’ They’d never seen something like that, but he said it was never turned down. They always honored it,” Romney said.
Of course they did! Otherwise, Romney would have had them fired. Mwhahahaha!
A spokesperson for McDonalds said that she was unable to verify whether the elder Romney ever had such a card, but would “strongly caution against” anyone with pink paper and a laser printer “getting any smart ideas.”
So the moral of the story is there’s no such thing as a free lunch, unless you’re Mitt Romney.
Though if the whole “president thing” doesn’t work out, Mitt could always double as one-half of McDonald’s signature Golden Arch. He’s got the stiff, lifeless, gilded look down pat.
Corporations may be people, but you, Sir Romney, are not.
Nothing, I say, nothing says ‘heterosexual’ more than a bronzed man in a pink button down with his sleeves rolled up three-quarters, trying (*and failing) to light a box of “homosexual” Cheerios on fire to protest General Mills’ pro-marriage equality stance, which much like another man, he simply cannot get behind!
“One out of every eight boxes of cereal in this country is Cheerios. This is really the treat now for the homosexuals! And this is our protest of General Mills, because they’re advocating same-sex marriages. So we are gonna torch some cereal!”
Hottttttt!
Unfortunately, after torching the box of sexually deviant multigrains and pouring the flaming cereal bits into a bowl, Mr. Pink inadvertanly sets fire to the lawn of the company’s Golden Valley, Minnesota headquarters, claiming Minnesota’s top spot as the only self-respecting, heterosexual Republican more inept with a blow torch than Marcus Bachmann.
Suffice it to say, his own repressed (homo)sexuality isn’t the only thing the man struggles to extinguish!
Howdy, Ame-rik-A! Do you know what special day it is today? Why, it’s Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day, when thousands of Real Americans everywhere (but mostly in Real America) waddle, plod, trudge, and motorscoot their supersized behinds to the nearest drive-thru window to stick it to the queers and stuff chicken sandwiches down their throats, for Jesus.
I know what you’re thinking, “isn’t everyday ‘I hate gay people Day’ in these places?”
Yes, but some more than others.
Let’s take a fascinating photo tour of this special, one-day, hate-on-a-plate chick-fil-A-palooza, courtesy of cable teevee’s biggest motherclucker Mike Huckabee and sponsored by the letter D, as in “Diabetes.”
Which, to phrase in a way its patrons understand, comes to roughly 1,320 Chick-fil-A Chick-n-Strips®.
Since “Brotherly Love” was clearly waaaaay too gay, Philly’s official new slogan is now “Eat Mor Cok.”
Longer, yes. But more importantly, does it seem straighter??
Om nom nom! Hating homos never tasted so good!
OMG, they “encountered” a drive-thru window! Good job, local news! Though next time, maybe take photos of something a little less common to the area, like say common sense, a functioning brain, or belly tucked smoothly into pants instead of fil-A-ping every which way like some chikin wit its hed kut awf.
Oooh, look a “We Buy Gold” shop and Chick-fil-A! What a blessed union! Now you can sell all your old heterosexual wedding rings and prevent gross gays from ever doing the same, all while enjoying the deliciously satisfying taste of sodium and saturated fat slathered between two buttery buns.
Mmmmm, tastes like Chikin!
Times may change, but at Chick-fil-A, our motto stays the same. “The bigot the better!” And it’s been that way for the last 45 years!
Increasingly irrelevant Sarah Palin’s increasingly desperate grifter tour quest for attention included a quick stop at a Texas Chick-fil-A to “support a great business”, munch on a deliciously diabetic, deep-fried chicken sandwich, and of course, to tell the terrible homosexuals “I hate you,” without saying, “homosexuals, I hate you.”
Ah yes, the perfect fast food for a perfectly slow-minded bigot too chicken to be upfront about their lightly veiled, grease-smeared hate, which after a few more helpings of Chick-fil-A, will likely soon be the only thing light about them.
So while Sarah Palin, Mike Huckabee, and Rick “Secret Sauce” Santorum ‘Eat Mor Chikin’ to ensure that Jesus doesn’t get any angrier about the proper penis-to-vagina ratios in marriage, the terrible, no-good, LGBT-loving Democrats went ahead and destroyed the sanctity of “traditional families” and their blessed boy-girl unions by adding marriage equality to their Party platform.
Take that, straight America!
Retiring gay Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.), who sits on the committee, told the Washington Blade on Monday that the 15-member panel unanimously backed the inclusion of a marriage equality plank after a national hearing over the weekend in Minneapolis, in which several witnesses testified in favor of such language.
“I was part of a unanimous decision to include it,” Frank said. “There was a unanimous decision in the drafting committee to include it in the platform, which I supported, but everybody was for it.”
Frank emphasized that support for marriage equality is a position that has been established for the Democratic Party, from the president, who endorsed marriage equality in May, to House Democratic lawmakers who voted to reject an amendment reaffirming the Defense of Marriage Act earlier this month.
A Democratic National Committee staffer, who is familiar with the process and spoke on condition of anonymity, said the language in the platform approved on Sunday not only backs marriage equality, but also rejects DOMA and has positive language with regard to the Employment Non-Discrimination Act. The exact wording of the language wasn’t immediately available.
Hopefully it’s something everyone, including Rick, Mike, SarBear, and homophobic fans of plump, tender, all-white breasts everywhere, can get behind.
With Willard “Mittens” Romney having trouble connecting to the riff-raff and vagabonds not retroactively raking in nine-figure salaries here in America, his advisors figured why not let ol’ Mitt try his perfectly manicured, white-gloved hand with the fine blokes across the pond, in the one and only land of Mary Poppins and mincemeat, wee Londontowne.
Naturally, Mitt’s trip to our former tea taxing tyrants went about as smoothly as you’d expect from a stiff Mormon with an uncanny knack for insulting every man, woman, and child he’s forced to awkwardly greet. Great Britain meet Gaffe Mittens!
Oooh, but whatever jerk thing came out of his mouth this time!?
“Do they come together and celebrate the Olympic moment? That’s something which we only find out once the Games actually begin,” [Romney] said.
“It’s hard to know just how well it will turn out. There are a few things that were disconcerting….The stories about the private security firm not having enough people, the supposed strike of the immigration and Customs officials – that obviously is not something which is encouraging.”
The remarks were greeted with anger, with many British supporters of the Games taking to Twitter to accuse Mr Romney of being graceless and rude.
To which he replied with a sincere thank you from the bottom of his heart heart-shaped box of money stashed in the Cayman Islands. Besides, he has been brushing up on his American!
Now Tory Prime Minister David Cameron has swiped back. Said Cameron: “We are holding an Olympic Games in one of the busiest, most active, bustling cities anywhere in the world. Of course it’s easier if you hold an Olympic Games in the middle of nowhere.”
Preferably, some great Lake of Sodium plopped in the middle of some weird Mormon desert paradise where a man and his sisterwives can build beautiful dressage arenas in peace and public slush funds.
I mean, it’s not as if this is the first time Sir Willard “Mitt” Romney has insulted his Anglo-Saxon brethren in the Great British Empire.
“England is just a small island. Its roads and houses are small. With few exceptions, it doesn’t make things that people in the rest of the world want to buy. And if it hadn’t been separated from the continent by water, it almost certainly would have been lost to Hitler’s ambitions.”
Sigh, a Morman can still dream, right?
Now that we all know that the London Olympics are just a hot metric tonne of rubbish compared to the awesome, exciting, Red, White, & Blue Olympics he ran in the U-S-A, will Mitt at least show some love for the world’s greatest Olympian, the dressage horse Rafalca and its proud owner Dame Ann Romney?
Please, something, anything, just a little to prove you do have some actual human emotions coursing through all that bluebood of yours??
“It’s a big, exciting experience for my wife. I have to tell you, this is Ann’s sport,” he said. “I’m not even sure which day the sport goes on. She will get the chance to see it, I will not be watching the event. I hope her horse does well. But just the honor of being here and representing our country and seeing the other Olympians is … something which I’m sure the people that are associated with this are looking forward to.”
“Associated with” as in married to, and “this” being the prized stallion he’s spent long evenings lovingly feeding carrots, stroking tenderly, and whispering sweet nothings to in the stable every night after everyone’s gone to sleep.
Though in his defense, some of Mitt’s best wives own horses!
If there’s one person who appreciates a fast food company that sticks to their butter-slathered buns when it comes to discrimination, it is former/current fat person Mike Huckabee.
It’s not just the delectably breaded, pickle-topped, fried chicken(ish) sandwiches or those deliciously greasy, salty waffle fries that’s got Huckabee Huckahooked, but the delectably batsh*t, homophobic ramblings of its chicken-wingnut president who, unlike the rest of you Godless heathens, isn’t about to let Chick-fil-A turn Chick-fil-GAY.
After CEO Dan Cathy admitted the company was “guilty as charged” when it comes to supporting marriage as one man, one woman (and years of sexless misery), some liberal elites, like “The Muppets” and mayor of Boston, have taken it upon their sinful, sodomite-supporting selves to boycott the fast food chain.
Well this is enough to get Huckabee’s panties in a Huckabunch! So much so that he’s calling for a Chick-fil-A “Appreciation Day” on Facebook to show his unwavering support for a homophobic fast food company that makes billions of dollars by serving delicious heart attacks and diabetes between buns while also sticking to such Biblical principles as gluttony, greed, and of course, good old-fashioned gay-bashing on a mass scale.
I have been incensed at the vitriolic assaults on the Chick Fil-A company because the CEO, Dan Cathy, made comments recently in which he affirmed his view that the Biblical view of marriage should be upheld. The Cathy family, let by Chick Fil-A founder Truett Cathy, are a wonderful Christian family who are committed to operating the company with Biblical principles and whose story is the true American success story. Starting at age 46 Truett Cathy built Chick Fil-A into a $4 billion a year enterprise with over 1600 stores. At 91, he is still active in the company, but his son Dan runs it day to day as CEO. It’s a great American story that is being smeared by vicious hate speech and intolerant bigotry from the left.
The Chick Fil-A company refuses to open on Sundays so that their employees can go to church if they wish. Despite the pressure from malls, airports, and the business world to open on Sundays, they still don’t. They treat customers and employees with respect and dignity.
I ask you to join me in speaking out on Wednesday, August 1 “Chick Fil-A Appreciation Day.” No one is being asked to make signs, speeches, or openly demonstrate. The goal is simple: Let’s affirm a business that operates on Christian principles and whose executives are willing to take a stand for the Godly values we espouse by simply showing up and eating at Chick Fil-A on Wednesday, August 1. Too often, those on the left make corporate statements to show support for same sex marriage, abortion, or profanity, but if Christians affirm traditional values, we’re considered homophobic, fundamentalists, hate-mongers, and intolerant. This effort is not being launched by the Chick Fil-A company and no one from the company or family is involved in proposing or promoting it.
There’s no need for anyone to be angry or engage in a verbal battle. Simply affirm appreciation for a company run by Christian principles by showing up on Wednesday, August 1 or by participating online – tweeting your support or sending a message on Facebook.
PLEASE RSVP IF YOU PLAN ON PARTICIPATING AT A CHICK FIL-A ONLINE.
Yes, that’s right people. Please affirm your belief in the Christian principles of hate mongering, intolerance, exclusion, and discrimination against those different than you, like gross, hell-bound gays and lesbians by showing up and stuffing your face with a perfectly seasoned, deliciously breaded, retardedly spelled Chikin sandwich from Chick-fil-A before it becomes Chick-fil-Atheist. Now that’s courage!
After all, it’s probably the closest Mike and Co. will ever get to touching a Chick.
Somewhere in America, a real flesh-based human being rolled out of bed, and decided today would be a good day to send out the following tweet:
Elsewhere in America, specifically, a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado, a deranged 24-year-old dressed in all black wearing a riot helmet, face mask, and bullet-proof vest burst into the midnight screening of The Dark Knight Rises, killing 12 people and injuring 50 more, including a baby.
Well excuuuuse the NRA for being tone-deaf. Guns are loud, people!
Luckily at least one person understands there’s bigger crimes than being a little trigger happy.
Just look at the official comment from the NRA’s director of public affairs, Andrew Arulanandam regarding the ill-timed tweet:
“A single individual, unaware of events in Colorado, tweeted a comment that is being completely taken out of context.”
YES, COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTEXT! Clearly, the American Rifleman, the self-described “official journal of the National Rifle Association” was simply talking about slamming down dozens of delicious oysters Rockefeller when he said the word “shooters.” I mean seriously people! One unprecedented movie massacre and suddenly the entire country starts acting like a bunch of sensitive schoolgirls who got their pigtails pulled, lost a game of hopscotch, and then witnessed their entire family murdered, execution style on the playground.
Well Rep. Louis Gohmert of Texas isn’t about to sit back and let the NRA steal all his post-tragedy douchebag thunder. No one out-assholes, Louis, no one!
If Americans don’t want to be terrorized and slaughtered by some nutjob’s one-man war on unsuspecting, unarmed moviegoers, they better start giving the proper R-E-S-P-E-C-T to the BIG MAN UPSTAIRS, JC!
“You know what really gets me, as a Christian, is to see the ongoing attacks on Judeo-Christian beliefs, and then some senseless crazy act of terror like this takes place,” Gohmert said….
“People say … where was God in all of this?” Gohmert said. “We’ve threatened high school graduation participations, if they use God’s name, they’re going to be jailed … I mean that kind of stuff. Where was God? What have we done with God? We don’t want him around. I kind of like his protective hand being present.”
God’s messenger Louis Gohmert would also like to know why in God’s green earth pitch black cineplex, no one had the good sense to be packing heat so that, in a dark theater full of screaming people, tear gas and a mad man with assault rifles and kevlar body suit, they could have calmly shot the gunman, like Louis does every night in the Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare tournaments in his parent’s basement.
“It does make me wonder, with all those people in the theater, was there nobody that was carrying a gun that could have stopped this guy more quickly?” he asked.
Probably not considering this ISN’T FUCKING TV and that shit DOESN’T FUCKING HAPPEN in REAL LIFE.
So good point, Louis. Because the real question isn’t What Would Jesus Do, it’s What Would Jesus Strap?
While Gohmert and other idiots blame the murderer’s actions on the spiritual non-beliefs of other Americans, and the lack of even more armed vigilantes in movie theaters to stop the next attack by a crazed gunman with a perosnal weapons cache, the rest of the media will likely spend endless hours speculating about his political leanings, sexual preferences, what music he listened to, books he read, movies he watched, videogames he played, websites he visited, warning signs he left, and still not get any closer to understanding what makes a man do terrible, unimaginable things.
Well other than the absence of Louis Gohmert, and unfettered access to military-grade AR-15 rifles with 6000 rounds of ammo.
Because everyone knows it’s not the government’s place to control ballistic bodysuits and sawed-off shotguns, but to control shotgun weddings of two people with the same sex organs.
Otherwise, America runs the risk of doing something REALLY crazy and dangerous. Like preventing the next tragedy before it happens.
And what, my friend, is more unAmerican than going to a suburban movie opening and actually living to tell the tale?
Poor, misunderstood, possibly criminal Mittens! He and his dancing horse have hit a bit of a rough patch, and all the hoof-clicking and fancy four-legged prancing in the world (of horse ballet) may not be enough to keep this Mormon Stallion perched comfortably atop his High Horse.
Because, you see, Willard “Mitt” Romney may or may not have lied to the SEC about the wonderful times he had at Bain Capital between 1999 and 2002, lording over the dismantling of American jobs and companies before “retroactively retiring” to fulfill his dream of bringing the thrills of choreographed horse steps to Salt Lake City.
And what kind of thanks does he get? Continuous, ever growing demands to release his tax returns so voters can see Mitt Romney has nothing to hide (that’s what offshore accounts are for, my friend!) and is just like every other normal American who writes off $77,000 in taxes so Seabiscuit can learn proper techniques for synchronized ribbon-twirling sans arms or hands.
And that’s just the taxes we’re allowed to know about!
Mitt Romney is standing firm on his plans to release two years worth of tax returns and nothing more. Romney already released his tax return for 2010, and an estimate for 2011. When asked for a firm date for the release of the 2011 return, a top Romney adviser said he couldn’t provide one.
On Fox News this morning, Romney said, “John McCain ran for president and released two years of tax returns.” He added, “John Kerry ran for president and you know his wife who has hundreds of millions of dollars. She never released her tax returns and somehow this wasn’t an issue.”
Somehow she wasn’t the one running for President.
The Romney campaign believes the issue of Romney’s returns isn’t resonating with voters as much as the Obama campaign would like…
In addition to stepping up their attacks on what they call President Obama’s cronyism – rewarding wealthy donors and friends — the Romney campaign will also argue this week that this debate over Romney’s tax returns and the candidate’s role three years after Romney left Bain Capital in 1999 are “distractions” by the Obama campaign. Romney, they say, remains focused on the big issues including the economy and jobs.
Guess horse blinders’ll do that to you.
But that’s a horse of a different color. Namely the color of money.
It’s getting steamy in the Sunshine state—and it’s not just the rising mercury levels getting the good citizens all hot ‘n bothered.
No ma’am! (Or, in this case, more like wham bam thank you ma’am!).
Because the only thing sexier than a closeted Republican getting caught with his pants down is a closeted Republican getting caught with her skirt up.
Just ask Florida Lieutenant Governor and Christian conservative Jennifer Carroll, who was either re-creating her favorite scene from a classic late-night Cinemax circa 1993, or simply engaging in her own, hands-on, undercover investigation into the terrible scourge of homosinuality, when she was caught in “a compromising position” (aka lesbionic things) in her office with a travel aide who also had FEMALE LADYPARTS. Giggle, giggle, giggle, wink, wink!
That or former employee Carletha Cole is lying about witnessing Carroll’s secret sappho sexytime, because everyone knows lesbians are gross, ugly spinsters not sexy, stylish black women married to the same MAN for, umm, wait, how long has it been?
CARROLL: The problem is that when you have these accusations that come out, it’s not just one person you’re attacking. It’s an entire family. My husband doesn’t want to hear that. He knows the type of woman I am. I mean, my kids know the type of woman I am. For twenty-nine years – I’m the one that’s married for twenty-nine years. The accuser is the one that’s been single for a long time. So usually black women that look like me don’t engage in relationships like that.
Or at least they don’t get caught.
Seriously, just ask Oprah. Or Gail King, or Queen Latifah, and/or every other “strongly rumored” black lesbian who isn’t named Wanda Sykes or in the WNBA.
Besides, if the whole “I’m married” alibi is good enough for John Travolta and Marcus Bachmann, it’s good enough for Jennifer Carroll!
But the most compelling proof that Jennifer Carroll couldn’t possibly be a gross, secret, scissor-banging, lady-lovin’ lesbo caught in a “compromising position” isn’t because she’s pretty, black, or even married to a man.
She’s a Republican. Compromising isn’t in her vocabulary.
Thumbs Up If You Hate Homos!
Elsewhere in America, specifically, a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado, a deranged 24-year-old dressed in all black wearing a riot helmet, face mask, and bullet-proof vest burst into the midnight screening of The Dark Knight Rises, killing 12 people and injuring 50 more, including a baby.
Horseman Of The Apocalypse!
If It Walks Like A Dyke, Talks Like A Dyke…